


Daddy Dearest

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By ErisYou have read right, oh reader of words - the much anticipated and highly frightening sequel to "Happy Solstice" that I am quite positive will p*ss you off to the same degree has arrived. You may bow.





	Daddy Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> You have read right, oh reader of words - the much anticipated and highly frightening sequel to Happy Solstice that I am quite positive will piss you off to the same degree has arrived. You may bow. Thanks to my bud, Mary (who is a kick ass writer BTW), I have decided to write a sequel. Blaim her. Or Eminem...Everyone else blaims him. [STOP BLAIMING MARSHALL - HE IS A GOOD BOY!!...especially in those adorable tights. I love a man in tights. Ooh Legolas...Sigh.] The idea for this farce of an epic is elementary my dear Watson. After wrestling with my nephew and teaching the babe a few new wonderous words, might I add, I thought it might be cool to put everyone's fav GOW in the same spot. Kids. He he he. Who wouldn't want a big leathery ball of anger watching small children???  
> DISCLAIMER-O-RAMA
> 
> The characters are not mine. As much as I wish it were so, I did not sneak into Rob Tapert's house and whisper wonderful ideas in his pea-brain. If I did, don't you think the show would have SUCKED so very much at the end? I think not. There would have been entire shows of Ares' nakedness...Since we saw no GOW sword, know that they are not mine. Well, except for Cupid, who just got released from prision and is locked in my closet. Oh shut up, he likes it!
> 
> Violence – Duh  
> Dirty words - Fuck yeah. In math, that would be called a GIVEN.  
> Sex - Kissing and perhaps hinting. No porn, though. Have ta' look under Zeus' bed for that.  
> Subtext - Yeah, but Athena has freaking BALLS, so would that be subtext?  
> Who do I bash - EVERYONE! Woo Hoo!
> 
> Oh and this is a X/A story. If you don’t like the fact that Xena and Ares got a thang (cause you know they do) or the fact that Gabster and Xena are just buds (cause you know they are) then this story isn't for you. (and you are delusional cause Xena and Ares are great together and you know it!)
> 
> Thanks to all the peeps who read Happy Solstice and all the peeps who didn't, therefore saving much needed American braincells during this time of crisis. Smart people, please don't read. I couldn't live with my self if the folks at NASA fucked up because my sickness twisted their brains. Unless, ofcourse, you started sending monkeys to the moon and they set up a cool ass monkey colony. Then, they could have theme parks called Monkey land and we could all go there, giving them our money which they would then use in a highly secret, covert plan to take over civilization as we know it. Then, we could live like on a planet of the apes and I could rescue this annoyingly tan mute bitch only to ride to the beach and curse really loud at the statue of liberty. Then we could have, like, a ZILLION sequels and....Oh fuck it, I'm just acting stupid now.

_Author's Note, cont.:_

ATTN: If you do not enjoy nonsense like you see above, skip to the next ATTN line. I am attempting to reclaim the stolen throne of 'Disclaimer queen' which was wrongly taken by Mary, who actually had things to say. She then emailed me and let me know that my own flesh and blood, Deleeny, has taken this title. Over two pages....Hmm. I can beat that. Thank you.

I bet you think that I drink TONS of java, but actually I don't. I really am against the stuff. It mellows me out. Weird, I know. I finally did succom to the hypnotic call of the local starbucks (also known as the root-of-all-evil store) not too long ago, where I decided to sample the local fare. Only after five grande cups of double mocha frappichino did I begin to wonder, a bit too late mind you, why the cashier looked strangely like a retired lab test rat. I also realized that, as a safety precaution, coffee should only be consumed while sitting on the toilet. Only by drinking your cup-o-joe in the actual stall can you stand a fighting chance of finding a facility when the time arrives, although I offer no guarantees.

Quick question to all the theology majors in the world : how in the hell could God have created all of, well, existance in meerly six days yet not be able to accomplish the relatively simple feat of syncrinizing the bladders of all the women in Crabtreee Valley Mall? It seems that, after that whole water to wine and ressurection thing, giving a holy child such as my self the dignity of not urinating on herself while waiting in line would be kind of an easy follow up. I suppose not.

Have I gotten my record back yet? The paragraphs from above are paraphrased from an actual paper I wrote for English class, if you are wondering. Yes, I did actually turn that in. Cool, eh?

Looks like I need more nonsense, though. Wanna kick Deleeny's ass by a bunch.

Here is something to get you wondering - Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? Hmm...And, if walking is supposed to be so great for ya - why in tarterous does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut? (I like forwards...he he he). If you are wondering, it is now 3:34am on the east coast in the sleepy town of Macon, North Carolina. I am listening to, what may in fact be, Discord reincarnated : Britney Spears. And she bitched at Dite about the pink thing. The freaking hypocrite. But miss-shake-my-ass does have a killer belly-dancing beat in 'Slave'. Although what she shakes in mostly manmade products left over from a failed lunar project in the 1960's.

I still have a ways to go and I might just be running out of strange things to say....NOT! He he he. Oh, I have found a new, great fanfiction genre!! As silly as it may sound to all the hardcore A/X fans out there, Harry Potter fanfic can kick ass. Try the Draco/Hermione stuff. It rocks. Draco reminds me of a young Ares. Hey...That's a good idea. I might write a fic with Ares as a kid!! I wonder if anyone, besides my fellow AA members who are too drunk to care, will ever read it. Prob not. Hey, I'm gonna write some now.

Check this shit out ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ares! Apollo!" Rang through the split level palace as Zeus paced the throne room.

"Yeah, Daddy?" Apollo smiled innocently as he ran up to his father. The smile soon faded from the child's lips as he saw his dad's mood.

"Where is your brother?"

"He heard you callin' and ran outside. He told me to say that he had a tummy ache!"

Zeus simply shook his head and disappeared from the room. Appearing in the toy strawn backyard, Zeus scanned the area for his young son. He quickly spotted the boy, hiding in the tree house. "Oh Ares!" He called out, trying, without success to control his temper as he tripped over a toy lightening bolt.

"No Ares up here! Just us birds! Tweet. Tweet. Tweet....." The child continued chirping, even going as far as to flap his arms and start pecking the tree house floor.

"ARES!" Zeus' yells were met with more chirping and pecking. Taking in a calming breath, Zeus stepped through the aether and reappeared beside his son. The king of the gods crossed his arms and watched with amusement as the boy flapped around the small room, totally oblivious of his presence.

Not realizing he had company, Ares chirped his way to the window and peaked outside for his father. "Yippie! It worked!" He muttered as he found the yard empty.

"Son..." Zeus interrupted from behind, causing Ares to give a shriek of suprise and go flying out the window. "Ow shit!" Zeus reappeared on the ground in just enough time to catch his son, who was now kicking and screaming in his arms.

"I'm gonna DIE!! AAAHHHHH!!" The boy panicked, not realizing that he had stopped falling.

"You're not going to die, dammit!" The very irritated father yelled, placing Ares on the ground. He immediately stopped his hysterics and looked, with wides eyes, up at Zeus.

"Oooohhh! Daddy said a bad word!! Ooooh! I'm telling mama! Hey MAMA!"

"Ares! I'm sorry I said a bad word, just stop screaming. Ares!"

"MAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAAMAMA! MAAAA MAAAA!"

Zeus reached down and grabbed Ares by the ear, pulling him into the house. "Ouchie Ouchie OUCHIE" The boy screamed every step of the way as he followed Zeus from the backyard into the dining room. Releasing Ares from his grip, Zeus pointed down the hall.

"Go to your room! I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now, I'll be in there in a while."

"But daddy..."

"NOW ARES!" The boy stomped down the hall, muttering something about stupid tattle-tale brothers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ATTN : OK, that was pointless but I think I got my throne back. YIPPIE!! Now to the actual story, which I have written nothing of because I've taken so long thinking up shit to put in the disclaimer section. Sigh. I need a drink!

ERIS

* * *

 **DADDY DEAREST**  

It had been almost seven months before Olympus calmed down enough to get back to the normal order of things. That meant seven, glorious Zeus-free months for the god of war in which he took every opportunity to, well, slack off. Wars were started, ofcourse, but Ares usually sent Strife or some other minion to attend to things while he sprawled across his throne and drank Ambrosia flavored Pina Coladas. Xena was around, as usual, which meant he never got out of shape from too much booze or snacks. All good things must come to an end, as they say. The same held true for the god of war.

It was annoyingly early in the morning (ten oclock, how dare he?!), when Hermes zipped into the mortal realm in Ares' Spartan temple.

Appearing in the master bedchamber, Hermes stood for a few moments, not daring to move. It was common knowledge that to wake Ares was to invite certain death. But after remembering just exactly how many messages he had to deliver before quitting time - Thursdays were busy days for him, go figure - he hesitantly approached the mound of bed cover to get a better view.

"Damn, Ares is putting on the pounds!", the messanger god thought to himself while staring at the heap of black sheets. Hmm...The sheets seemed to be moving slightly in a strange up and down motion. And did he remember Ares moaning in his sleep as a child?

Never the brightest of the bunch, Hermes decided to 'wake' his older brother and get back to work. Poking the busy god of war with a strangely pointy scroll proved to not be the best of ideas.

Hermes went flying back with a girly scream, slamming into the far wall before slidding to the floor in a heap. Were his sandals broken?, he thought while standing. Hmm, he would have to get them checked when he got back to Olympus. Being sent through the air at such a speed was definately a malfunction of some sort!

When his vision returned and the world around him stopped spinning, Hermes saw that the motion beneath the covers had stopped and a very angry looking dark head was sticking from the top of them.

"Hermes?!"

"Ah, you're awake!", Hermes exclaimed loudly, completely oblivious of the fire in his brother's annoyed gaze. "Dad said that you like to keep your butt in bed all day, but its nearly 10 already! Time to get up, brace the new day, take charge and do something with your life!"

Ares stared at his younger, infomercial-sounding brother in a strange sort of shock. "Get up? Take charge?..." Perhaps he meant fixing a drink? Or getting laid? What else was there?!?! "I _was_ taking charge! Until you poked me in the ass!" Ares remembered why he was so angry, before Hermes scrambled his head with talk of work and other foreign concepts, that is.

Hermes was about to fly into the wall again, when a long arm yanked Ares back under the covers. There were a few, annoyed grunts; but they soon turned to groans and Hermes was promptly forgotten.

 

"ARES!" Nothing. Well, the groans turned to moans, but that's about it. Thoroughly annoyed at being ignored, Hermes lost any sense of intelligence he may have once pocessed and threw that same razor-sharp scroll at where Ares' head should have been. A loud 'Fuck!' told the messanger god that his aim was true.

 

Again the head popped up, this time with company. "Oh, hey Xena!"

Hermes was forced to look away by the sheer, unbridaled force of 'the look' thrown his way. Yet this incredible force is nothing compared to the idiocy of Hermes. "What are you doing here?", he asked while staring at the wall and wondering why his eyes were suddenly on fire.

"Knitting, Hermes. We were knitting."

"Really? I didn't know Ares could knit! Well, Hercules told me once that he could but I just thought it was a jo..."

"What?!" Ares jolted up in the bed, wanting to take out the ,um, mounting amount of energy suddenly in his godly form on *someone*. "He's dead!" Xena grabbed Ares before he could run off, nude, to kill his half-god brother. Ares' lip poked out. "Well...Can I just maim him?"

"No, Ares."

"Give him _really_ bad sunburn?!"

Xena paused for a moment, but finally shook her head no. Ares, with his best 'mommy-is-mean' look, crossed his arms and pouted. Xena decided she should do something about the situation before Ares became too lost in his delusions of Herc-death to be of any more service that day. "What do you want, Hermes?" The warrior princess dared a glance to Ares, who had started muttering. Not a good sign. "And make it quick, if you could."

Hermes, having no idea what in Tarterous was going on, just smiled blankly. "Oh, alright. Just wait a sec while a find the scroll...." He began to dig through his messanger bag, then his pockets, but he found nothing. He even looked in his shoes, hoping it was a small scroll perhaps, but nothing. Finally, he caught the pointy scroll sticking out from Ares' headboard. "Above your head, Xena, if you don't mind."

Preoccupied with the muttering and now growling Ares, Xena was caught off guard by Hermes' request. "My head...What...Oh, yes, sorry..." She yanked the scroll from the headboard and nearly severed a finger on its sword-sharp edge. After staring at it a while, and wondering if any one would notice if she stole it for a new weapon, Xena looked back to Hermes. "Is that all?"

"Uh...Yeah. Oh, and Zeus said that if Ares didn't obey the scroll um...wait...Yeah, I was supposed to threaten something about loosing limbs or something I can't remember. Sorry."

"It's fine, Hermes. We get the point. Leave now."

Hermes waved chipperly to Xena and flew into the aether. Xena stared at where he was previously standing for a few seconds before remembering the twitching lover at her side. "ARES!"

Nothing. Well, until Xena poked him with that damn scroll. "Ouch! Xeeenaa, that hurt!"

"You're a god, Ares, grow a set.

"Oh, yeah, right. Forgot. What is it? And why is my left eye twitching?"

Xena grinned, liking it when Ares' eye twitched but not wanting to admit it. "Long story, hun. Just read this."

Oh so carefully, Xena handed the scroll to Ares, who admired the lovely handiwork of the weapon (looked like Heph's work, actually) before remembering to open it. He did so and had to read the summons four times before understanding. Even then, a blank stare that rivaled Hermes' crossed his face and the twitching became worse then ever.

"Ares?..." Xena waved her hand in front of his face, a bit worried. "Ares? What is it?" It appeared that the god of war was trying to speak but his voice was failing him horribly. He just kept opening and closing his mouth in a nice 4-beat rythym. Impaitent, Xena grabbed the scroll from his hands and read for herself.

@~~~~~~~~@

_Ares, the god of bloodlust, war, rage ect ect , is hereby summoned to appear before a court of his peers / a court ruled by a judge for the following violations of Olympus' decree._

Sexual relations on 294,678.4 occassions with the spouse of Hephestas, smith god , which resulted in the creation of Cupid, god of love .

Failure to provide for the needs of said child for years not to exceed a millenium yet not less than a century.

Trying to place one's chariot in the designated parking place of Athena, one true goddess of war, wisdom, greatness ect on more than occassion.

The assigned date of trial will be July 6 in the Olympian realm of Zeus, destroyer of Titans and fair ruler of all.

Failure to appear at said trial will result in forefoture of all rights, privledges appointed to named god/goddess/demi-god/godling and a lightening bolt in the ass.

_Have a nice day :)_

@~~~~~~~~@

Even Xena had to read the scroll twice, shock evident in her fair features. Finally, after carefully placing the deadly summons on the bed beside her, she dared to look at Ares. Her lover was still frozen, his hands exactly where they had been while holding the scroll and a frightening look of wonder etched on his face.

Knowing the ol hand-waved-before-the-face trick wasn't going to work, Xena thought desperately of how to pull her lover from his court induced coma. She had it...

"Ares...Um...Zeus fell off of Mt. Olympus and is crippled at the bedroom door..."

Ares was up in an instant, almost flying to the door. He paused there momentarily before turning to Xena with a scowl. "Don't do that to me!!" He returned to the bed and snuggled next to Xena as if nothing was wrong.

The warrior princess glared at Ares, wondering if the shock had damaged braincells or something. "You alright, lover?"

"Oh sure, yeah. I'm great. Wanna fool around?"

"Ares."

"What?!" Ares looked up at her with innocent brown eyes.

"Is everything alright?"

Ares nodded happily and began to whistle the Xena theme song.

"Ares..." Xena thoroughly enjoyed the tune but would enjoy a halfway sane boyfriend a tad bit more. "Are you doing that denile thing again?"

"Yep. It's fun. Try it with me."

As wonderfully tempting as that offer was - damn if Ares didn't look happy! - Xena couldn't. She quickly gave her lover a smack upside the head for good measure and then began to send her superhero mind into overdrive. She had to think of something, anything...Her boyfriend's sanity was at stake. And worse : HIS BANK ACCOUNT!

To Be Continued


End file.
